i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
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he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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