Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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