wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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