It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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