i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
