She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
