put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
