i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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