I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
