Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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