After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
