i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
