Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
