You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
