im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
