Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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