Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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