Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
