it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
