I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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