If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
