But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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