Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
