We're facebook friends in real life
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
