My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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