even my farts smell like vagina
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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