dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
