i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
