mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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