i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
