I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
