My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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