I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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