im six kinds of drunk right now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
