I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm like, not good at living.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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