I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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