Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
