Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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