He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
