He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
