Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
