Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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