I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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