I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
