He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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