I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
