exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize