omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
