my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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