I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
