I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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