No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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