can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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