Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
