So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
