Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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