The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
