i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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