I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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