My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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