i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
