If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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