I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
