fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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