My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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