too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
