Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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