Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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