there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
